Do you have to be Optimistic to be driven?

oh boy, looks like i was pretty mad the last time i posted. Its good to say that things are different now, i am working full time again and am now in whats called a LEAD program. this program is meant to train us to be supervisors. That's awesome, its great, wonderful, spectacular... why do i not feel it. maybe its because i haven't spoken with my Mentor(personal guide to take me through the process) yet, and most of the other people have. Maybe its the fact that i am not really doing something that matters to me in the long run. What is the long run? Will i stay with the Corp.? Will i drop everything and follow my dreams? Will i go back to school and post pone all of these decisions another three years?

I dont know... i just dont. I want to be an artist, i want to make a name for myself, but all my education taught me was i had to go out and do something that hasnt been done. That is kinda hard to do in a corporate environment. Now i dont want it to sound like i am trapped cause im not. i have a lot of freedoms that i work with and enjoy. I just want alot of things out of life, and am looking for opportunities to get them.

So, it has been a while i posted last, but i have been dealing with some issues. The Paradigm shift i am enduring is difficult to wrap my head around it. Anyways the main thing i have been dealing with is that at work we haven't been getting the calls that we should be. Everyone above me has been blaming everything from spring break to a change in the business. Meanwhile this means that those of us that dont matter get sent home early.

Normally this would upset me, i would just use the time to work on a new project, but in the past four weeks i have been sent home 20 days. this means that my checks are short. The only word to describe that is aggravating.

As for the other things i have been dealing with, i have proven that if i want to be a special effects artist then i have to go somewhere else for work. All i deal with here are idiots who want to spend little to nothing on quality work for special effects. I also cant work on my own things because i need money to do it, i want to build my portfolio but i cant. If i was working full time, i would maybe be able to save up and work on something every once in a while.

When will the schooling end?

I have been looking at the artistic society lately here in Springfield. A world in which i wish a had a handle on. My degree is in art, yet my skills are naturally in technology. That's a really odd thing to say "naturally in technology". Anyways i have been searching for my way back in to that world, i felt like when i left school i was closer than ever before.
My life has always been torn between several things, including art, school, and theater. Now that i am out of school, that part of my life has been taken over by work. On top of that i gave up theater because of the masochistic nature of it all, and for the art scene you have a bunch of people telling a bunch of other people that what they make means something. At what point do you move from craft time to artist...

Maybe that is what i needed to learn all along.